She bit a glass in half.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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