Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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