he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
