I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
