you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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