i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
