there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
