We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
