Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
