my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
