There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
