I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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