Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found a bag of teeth...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
