I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
