Small penises have feelings too.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize