He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
