I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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