nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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