My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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