This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
