She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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