cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
