life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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