This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
