she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
