Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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