It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
