Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
