i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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