Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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