The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
