I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
