Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
