someone threw a dead crab at me
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
