I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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