Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
