my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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