please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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