When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
