So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's always time for handjobs
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize