tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
