if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
