I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My liver just had a heart attack.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
