The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
