it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
