somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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