my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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