so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
