every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize