I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
