Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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