Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He shit in the fireplace
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