I can tuck mytits in my pants
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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