no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
