So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
