what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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